Fear — And What You Can Do to Calm Yourself

Let’s talk about fear for a moment. First of all, it is completely normal and natural to be afraid sometimes. There are moments in life when uncertainty feels especially intense, and that kind of unknown can stir up fear in powerful ways.

The challenge is how do we sit with our fear and still move forward? One of my mentors says to just take one action, even if it is imperfect. So that is what I am doing with this blog post: taking imperfect action. I am sure there will be things about ways to calm the fear that I forget or that I could’ve said more eloquently. But, at least I’m getting this out there. If it is helpful to just one person, then my mission is accomplished.

What can you do when you feel your fear creeping up to unmanageable levels? Below is a list of ideas that might help:

Soft Belly Breath

Most of my clients already know this one. Now, I will guide you through it. Soft belly breath is probably one of my favorite tools because it so simple, anyone can do it. Your breath is always with you, to help calm you in times like these; no special tools or training needed.

Place one hand on your heart, the other hand on your belly and gently soften or close your eyes, whatever feels right for you. Breathe in through the nose . . . exhale out through the mouth . . . in through the nose . . . out through the mouth . . . gently tell yourself “soft” on the inhale . . . ”belly” on the exhale . . . soft . . . belly . . . soft . . . belly. Continue soft belly breathing for as long as it feels right for you. With each slow, deep breath, relax into your body, letting your mind quiet, releasing your fear, enhancing your judgment and compassion.

One variation of soft belly that I often practice is to breathe in whatever it is you want in your life — love, compassion, wellbeing, hope, etc. and to breathe out whatever it might be time to let go of at this moment.

When we practice soft belly breath, it activates the vagus nerve, which quiets the fight or flight response, decreases activity in the amygdala (the center of the emotional brain, responsible for fear and aggression) and enhances functioning in the cerebral cortex in areas that promote judgment, self-awareness and compassion.

Get Out in Nature

Mother Nature has an amazing ability to calm our nervous system and right now the earth is springing to life. Take a walk or hike, notice the flowers, shrubs, and trees showing us their spring colors. Maybe you will notice the wildlife that lives in the park, forest or along the trail you are on. On a recent walk, I spotted a caterpillar early in my walk and later was surprised by a butterfly.

Put On Some Music and Dance

Yep! Turn up the volume, let your hair down and let it all shake out. This is your opportunity to move through your fear. As you dance, it’s perfectly okay to let your emotions come and let them go, just keep dancing. Dance for as long as it feels right for you. When you are finished dancing, I invite you to just be still and breathe in the moment. Notice your breath and your body. You might be surprised by what you notice.

Pick Up Paper and Pen — Start Writing

There are many options here. You can write a letter to your fear, then your fear can respond. You can write a dialogue; to do this, choose two different colors to write in, one color represents you and the other your fear (or whatever strong emotion it is you are working with) and then just allow one part of you to invite the other to a conversation, writing back and forth between the parts of yourself. Write for as long as you need to, just be sure to thank both parts of yourself for their willingness to participate and the wisdom they shared when you end. Another option is to write a poem, song lyrics or even a nonsensical word collage.

Create a Work of Art

Speaking of collage, you can harness that fear into a work of art — we have lots of options. Use whatever it is you have available, for many it might be crayons, markers or watercolor pencils. You might have oil pastels, clay, watercolors, oils or acrylics. Maybe you want to create a picture or word collage. If you are stuck, you always have the option of expressing your fear using lines, shapes and colors. Or maybe you just want to color some pre-printed coloring pages. Mandalas are excellent for soothing the nervous system, but any coloring page that interests you is perfect for the occasion.

Call a Trusted Friend and Talk It Out

It’s okay to share those worst-case scenarios that build in our minds with someone you trust. I was fortunate enough this week to have a friend and dear colleague call and at one point in the conversation, I was flooded with some pretty terrible “what-if” situations. My dear friend was able to hear my worst fears and after I shared them, they no longer felt so heavy (even thou I shed plenty of tears in the process of sharing during that phone call). One note on talking it out with a friend: set the expectation that you just need someone to listen, no need for problem solving or fixing in the current moment, sometimes we just need to have our fears be heard.

Cry it Out

Yes, I’m talking a good old-fashioned sob fest, whether it’s alone in the shower, on a friend or loved one’s shoulder (if that is an option while practicing social distancing). No need to hold back, let the tears flow — they will stop when it’s time. I promise, you will stop crying. Just one rule on crying, be sure to blow all the sinus drainage that comes with a good cry out, no need to hang onto what your body is working hard to release. Then do a good hand washing.

My hope is that at least one of these options will appeal to you and help you move through your fear in this moment. Later you may want to return to this list and a different option might speak to you. Given the current state of our world, it is normal for your fear to wax and wane. My goal is to give you some tools to help yourself when in need. We are all in this together.

If fear has been feeling bigger than you can manage on your own, counseling for anxiety can offer a supportive space to better understand what you are experiencing, learn calming tools, and begin moving through it with greater confidence and care.